Inside the Mind of a Self Injurer

First of all, this is my personal struggle through self injury. I don't claim all self-injurers are like me; I neither condemn nor condone self-injury. Second of all, this is very personal. I wrote this in story form in hopes of conveying what really goes on inside a self-injurers mind. Thirdly, if you suffer from depression or anything such, this might be triggering, please take care of yourself. Everything in italic are quotes taken directly out of my diary.

My mindset

Darkness. Everything around me is so dark and miserable. How can these people around me be smiling and laughing when all I feel is this terrible pain? Why is she smiling at me? Can't she see the world is hopeless? Doesn't she know we're all gonna die? Why bother even living if we'ere gonna die?

How dare someone like me even bother living? Looking straight back at my own reflection hurts so much. Was god playing some sick joke when I was created? This person that I am just shouldn't exist. How could anyone love this... carcass of a person that I turned into?

I started hurting myself a couple months before I turned fourteen. I would just keep crying and crying. I felt so ugly, fat, stupid, and horrible. I couldn't stop the tears, they would keep coming and coming. I went into the bathroom with a steak knife and drug it along my arms. The pain was euphoric, it made my emotional pain seem justified. Like the scratches made the pain real. The pain inside me became more and more frequent, the tears wouldn't stop coming.

I remember the first time I used a razor. The pain was so sharp and felt so good. It felt so wrong to be hurting myself, but it made me feel better. Blood came rushing out of it and I panicked. It had never even occured to me before to draw blood.

Over the next year (and through my first-break up) my depression deepened. I was cutting myself almost daily. I was at a point of running out of places to cut where I was able to hide the scratches. My arms, legs, stomach, chest, I even cut my face. I felt like I was this big fake act, I was trying so hard to be perfect. It was so difficult to portray this person that I just wasn't.

No one would like the real me anyways. No one likes true darkness. No one wants the truth.

I started becoming more vocal to my friends about my cutting. I threatened suicide to some of my friends. I never actually planned on killing myself, I just wanted to see their reactions. As sick as it seems, I was testing their love for me. Their desire for me to live. I wanted them to suffer with me. If I was feeling this bad, they had to feel it with me.

Why won't they say they care about me? Why is she yelling at me?

I became such a burden on my friends.

Maybe I should just go away. I only hurt you guys anyways. You would be better off without me.

I got on their nerves. My best friend was constantly angry at me. All my friends were. Angry or worried; but all seemingly uncaring that I was in such misery. She yelled at me a lot; which just fueled my self hatred. No one could possibly like me.

At one time, he grabbed my wrist and asked me where I cut. He looked at my arms and told me I wasn't bad, that he's got more. What the fuck? Why is he trying to compete with me?

In late May I was called to my school's counseling office for one of the hardest conversations I ever had. My counselour called my mom and told her to get me help. That I was a cutter. I remember my mom crying so much; how could I make her cry? I was depressed because I hurt her; I hurt her because I was depressed.

I was diagnosed with depression.

I was just progressing downward in this never ending spiral. I started burning myself, and wrist banging. In late September of 2004, I starting making myself throw-up in attempt to lost weight. If I was only thinner, I knew I would be happier.

Last night, I saw I gained a pound, and from there I got more and more worked up about... everything.

Around this time, I found out some things about my dad. He had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. A disorder characterized by low self esteem. That Christmas I went and saw my dad. He hurt me so much. He sat there, smoked, and played online poker. He blamed me for everything that was wrong, and threatened suicide, so I would feel as bad as he would.

I had tried to make conversation with him... I really did! But a conversation takes two people. I left feeling...

In December, I recieved some anti-depressants for my depression. Celexa. During the first couple of weeks on the medication, I became obsessed with the number 5. Everything had to be a multiple of five or it would drive me insane. I would spend hours counting tiles on the roof, or making sure the volume of the tv was a multiple of five.

I slowly began to recover myself and take control of my feelings. I felt abandoned by my father, used by my first boyfriend, and ugly from myself. During May of 2005, I met my second boyfriend.

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve being the way I am. Did I do something horrible it a past life and now karma finally caught up to me?

He would purposely hurt me. He was angry at me so much and yelling. At one time, he put his hand over my mouth and plugged my nose. It was so frightening that I could not breathe. He was fully capable of killing me, and there was no doubt inside my mind that if I got on his bad side he would.

I thought I deserved it. For being a horrible person, he was the only one that would want me.

We broke up in late July, in which I brought a knife with me to defend myself.

I cut again. I was just so angry and I needed to be punished. Why am I so selfish?

Cut 3 days in a row 2 days ago. Carved the word "why" into my right thigh. Hah. Carved, like I'm a turkey or something...

I burned this morning, just to see what it felt like

I'm so confused. I don't know anything anymore...

As of December 14 2005

I have been self-injury free for about five months. I have finally figured out who I am and am generally okay with myself. My friendsip's are going better and I have regained my relationship with my best friend Candace. I'm currently with the most amazing boyfriend ever who treats me with so much love and respect I am amazed. I am working out some issues with my father, but it is so hard to forgive what caused so much pain.

Links to more information on Self-Injury and Borderline Personality Disorder